Bad attitude and scars

Been awake since before 4am plotting the downfall of a child abuser. I can’t go into details here as I am supposed to be anonymous and this is exactly the sort of detail defence lawyers revel in.
But I have plans; if CPS fail us again – and yet they might – I have further courses of action. One of which requires direct confrontation.
Others have warned me that this could stress my mental health, but my belief is that doing nothing hurts more.
I blame myself for every child he has abused after me because I failed to stop him. Maybe that’s harsh – I was only 10. But there was a scandal at the time, other adults had their suspicions, so I can’t say (what I habitually say) that no one would have believed me. I was, in fact, complicit in the cover up and for every year I failed to go to the police, other children suffered the same fate. So, yeah, my guilt is justified.
Although I sometimes play the victim (and am all too ready to condem any type of abusive behaviour), I no longer think of myself as a victim. The nature of the trauma put me outside myself, I observed it as if I was having an out of body experience. And most of the unpleasant detail is conveniently forgotten, or exists as isolated snap shots without context. But also, it was so long ago I was a different person then.
But I still carry the scars and bad attitude.  I will list them;
1) distrust and dislike of authority, rules, regulations & laws. A rebel without a brain.
2) loathing of the guru/chela relationship. I prefer teaching myself. Anyone who wants to teach me anything will feel my opposition.
3) the implicit belief that anyone who plays at being virtuous conceals a nasty secret. Don’t think I’m wrong on this one – but I have an exaggerated sense of it. Sorry Saints…
4) luck of trust.
5) terrible at sexual relationships.
6) PTSD – which made what was probably an inherent bipolar condition much worse.
But apart from that I’m awesome…


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