Don’t believe in yourself

Being of the mildly lunatic persuasion, visions, epiphanies, revelations and mystical awakenings come fairly regularly to me, as might be expected. It seems to be a bi-polar thing. Sometimes the jigsaw falls in place, you step out of time and it all makes sense. Luckily, I am mostly given good advice and have never been tempted to proclaim myself the messiah, streak or commit mass murder.
Despite my loony leanings, I am disturbingly sane (it’s you, dear readers, I worry about). There is always a rational, but boring, perspective that will step in and say, well that was interesting, however… and then explain it in a less poetic manor. The inner bullshit detector is as merciless on my beliefs as it is on yours.
But nevertheless there are some consistencies to these experiences with traditional practices that make me still pursue the mystical.
As an example, let me cite my first mind control exercise, concentration. I was learning to still the mind. I picked my favourite stone from the garden, washed and polished it, relaxed, gained control of my breathing then attempted to focus all my awareness on the stone. Of course, most of the time the mind wandered, any trivia was more interesting than the exercise. But gently the mind was prodded back until after many days of practice, all I was aware of was the stone. Then something strange happened, the stone darkened until it turned entirely black and then vanished. It simply was no longer there. As I shook myself out of my trance like state, the stone materialised back in front of me.
Each time I repeated the exercise, the same thing happened, it darkened and vanished. And indeed the same principle has applied with other objects and even subjects. Once, looking in the mirror, it even happened to me, as if I was invisible.
This is suspiciously close to descriptions of samhadi, of which there are many. It is the fusion of observer and observed into a unity (yoga).
But to me it remains little more than a curiosity of consciousness. And it may signify nothing.


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